In Our Hearts But Not In Our Arms
It is Sunday, May 3rd, Ashley and I are having a great weekend enjoying each other’s company and getting ready for Baby Duffey to join our family. We are thinking that this is very likely the last weekend it will be just the two of us as we have been preparing for some time to welcome a baby girl in to our lives. We matched in February and the expectant mom was due April 30th. Our prayers had been answered with the match. We spent the time from February through April preparing as best we could yet still being cautious because the expectant mother could change her mind. The closer we got to her due date the more excited and anxious we became. It was surreal to think that after four years on our journey to being parents that we could finally start our family. The nursery was mostly set up, car seats in each car, diaper bag packed and work schedules aligned. Ashley had been reading anything and everything about parenting she could get her hands on and I had been reading the beginning portions of my “Becoming a New Father” book. We were more than ready to bring her home.
On Monday, May 4th we both go to work still as anxious as can be, wondering “could today be the day?” Our expectant mom was set to visit the Dr. on that day. Up to this point she was dilated to 1, had been having high blood pressure, and been to the Dr. the prior week, but not enough to get induced yet. We were waiting to hear about her Dr.’s appointment that day to see what the next steps would be. We knew that this would be the week as it was the week after her due date. We talked at lunch and no news yet from her. Late in the afternoon at about 4:30, I get a text from Ashley “call me now.” I instantly got excited and thought, here we go! I excuse myself from a meeting to call her. All that is running through my head at that time is excitement, joy, and I begin gathering my work bag together as the phone rings for Ashley to answer. She picks up the phone. Then, nothing but tears is what I hear on the other end. “What’s wrong?” I ask, knowing, but not wanting to believe that our biggest fear of adoption has just occurred. “I just got a call from our social worker. She got a text from the expectant mom that she has changed her mind and is going to parent,” as Ashley said through tears.
Wow was I in shock. Feeling numb and not thinking this could be happening, I did not know what to do. I knew I needed to get home to be with Ashley as she was in tears and I could barely understand what she was saying on the phone. At that moment the only thing I knew that would comfort me was being with her. My initial reaction to everything was frustration. All I could think about was if the decision being made was the best for that little girl. Three months of time spent preparing the house, the nursery, what would we name her, what would the first outfit be, how would we introduce her to our family, what would the hospital experience be like, what would the drive home be like, and what would the first night as parents be like. I thought I had every right to be frustrated, but at whom? Or what? Or how? It was the scenario of what happened that I was frustrated and disappointed in the most. As I was thinking through the frustration it quickly turned to sadness. Sad, that I wouldn’t be getting that call to the hospital to meet my first child. Sad, that with Mother’s Day very near, the thought of this being the first Mother’s Day for Ashley and how that would be the best day of her life, taken from us so quickly. Sad, that we would never be able to fully see the beauty of an open adoption by getting to know and love this little girls family more. Sad, that I wouldn’t be able to start the rest of my life as a new father this week. Sad, that this little girl wouldn’t be “wrapped around Daddy’s finger.”
With sadness yet there is hope that the little girl we were hoping to call our own will be loved, cared for her, and supported every day by her family. I pray that although we did not get the chance to be parents for this baby girl that she will live an amazing life. We also pray for our expectant mom and her family that they too are doing well and will always have happiness. Although everything did not work out the way we hoped, we wish this family all the best. They are wonderful people.
Is it possible to lose something you never had? I am not sure. I think every day what today would look like if our adoption went through. It’s hard not to when you were so close to having your prayers answered and dreams come true. I do know this though. Someday, somehow, somewhere… Ashley will be a mom and I will be a dad, and that little girl or boy will be unconditionally loved, and the best thing that ever happened to us!
For now, we move on. We have learned so much from this experience. Although it brought heartache, it’s part of our story and has made us stronger. Our journey will continue until we are parents and our family is completed. We are still so hopeful to add to our family through open adoption; we have always known how amazing it can be and after seeing the potential, we are MORE encouraged! There are things during this journey we can’t control, but we do have the ability to tell our story to an expectant mother somewhere. Hopefully she will see two people who want nothing more to be parents and give love, compassion, care, and support to a child and her family for the rest of our lives!
Note: It is important to us to respect the privacy of the family we were matched with so we did not use names.
