It's GREAT to see you 2015!
We are so excited that a new year is here! We are so thankful for the blessings, love and growth we received this past year. I am not sure either of us would describe it as our "Best Year Ever!" though. As many of you know, with blessings there may also be challenges.
The year could not have started off better. A firm believer in education, Sean started a MBA program at the University of Indianapolis. After years of trying to have a baby by other means, we had made the decision to adopt a baby! The paper work was signed with a wonderful agency in January! Finally, hopefully soon, maybe even sometime during the year (we hoped!), we were going to have the family that we had been dreaming of for years! Around that same time, a good friend suggested I go gluten free as a means to cure a few health concerns. I researched the suggestion and made the decision to go gluten free then and there. I have been feeling better every sense.
My dad always told me that as soon as we adopted we would get pregnant. Everyone always said that is what happens to those who adopt. After almost three years of trying I had moved on from getting pregnant, and was focused on adopting. We wanted a family, and it did not matter if the baby came from my belly or another’s. About three weeks after we signed our adoption papers and I stopped eating gluten, I got a positive pregnancy test. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. Unfortunately, it was quickly followed two days later by one of the saddest. Although my blood work was initially good, it did not stay that way and I was going to miscarry. Miscarriage number one was in February.
We had started going to a wonderful church in January and attending there helped us get through the difficult time. The bright side was we could get pregnant now. We leaned on each other, our close friends and family who knew and we invested ourselves in getting our adoption paperwork done as quickly as possible. We also took a trip to see Sean’s Aunt in Texas for the first time together. She warmed our hearts with love, and the Texas sunshine warmed our skin. We completed our adoption home study in March and in April, found out we were approved to adopt a baby!
The first of June we found out I was pregnant again. We knew it was common to have one miscarriage so we felt positive about this second pregnancy. I went for blood work again and again it was initially great but then dropped after the retest. Miscarriage was again inevitable. June was miscarriage number two. Our doctor then recommended we undergo testing to see if there was an underlying issue. We also received our first contact for adoption from an expectant mom through our website. We were excited and optimistic that we had received a contact so soon! In the end nothing came of this contact, or a few others we received through our contacts this summer but we were hopeful.
Around this time my always ambitious husband was interviewing for positions within his company. A few days before his birthday, he learned he had been promoted to a new position outside of the branch he had been really wanting. We celebrated his new job and birthday with family and friends, and took a trip to Wisconsin to relax. In the meantime, we were networking ourselves as potential adoptive parents through social media. We are extremely private people; to ask for help from others and share our insecurities was very difficult for us. It is very hard to announce to people that you suck at doing something that is biologically supposed to come naturally to you.
In late July, Sean was transitioning to his new job and we were tested for immune issues. My favorite nurse called from our Doctor’s office to tell us that the results had come back positive for immune issues. My body was attacking our babies as if it was a foreign invader. She told me it was surprisingly common, and there was a treatment. I was scared but felt relieved to know there was a reason I was miscarrying and there is also a treatment. In August, we celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary and I was also pregnant again. We started the treatment the doctor prescribed of an aspirin a day, and heparin injections twice a day starting after I ovulated. I would continue this treatment until week thirty-six, if I was lucky. Unfortunately the medicine did not work and I was going to miscarry. I felt broken, and I was starting to think that my body would never be able to carry a child. At our miscarriage follow up appointment, the doctor told us about the next level treatment for my issue is called intralipids, and if intralipids didn’t work we would need to do something called IVIG. We decided we would try the intralipids treatment next time.
I felt like it was hard to be happy. People asked how adoption was going but there were no updates. I needed a change of scenery. Sean and I went to West Palm Beach where we were married, and visited with his sister Jenny and her boyfriend Scottie. The Palm Beach Shores Resort feels like home when we are there, and we love getting to spend time with our family. The sunshine, the ocean and seeing my husband relaxed was exactly what I needed for a few days. When we got home, I felt better and looked forward to meeting my three best friend’s babies who were all born in September.
Over the summer I had started to look for a new position in higher education. I started working at my current institution right after graduating college and it was all I knew. I accepted a position at a state University as a Student Success Advisor in October. About a week before I was to start my position I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time. I had now been pregnant more times than multiple people I knew, but I still had zero children. Again, we did the aspirin and heparin therapy but this time we added in the intralipids the day after we got the pregnancy test. We had the initial blood draw done, and then the second. The nurse called and her voice was different this time. She had good news; my levels more than doubled. I burst in to tears. I was actually pregnant! I stayed pregnant! I called Sean and the joy in his voice was one of the happiest moments in my life. My levels doubled again the following week and we were scheduled for an ultrasound. We were reaching hurdles we had never reached before! As I said goodbye to Ivy Tech, I was hoping that I was saying hello to a new chapter: motherhood!
I started my new job on a Wednesday and let my new boss know the news as well. I am a very honest person and since I had put myself in a position where I would need time off for doctor’s appointments, then I felt it was fair to explain why. I shared my good news of both my pregnancy and our dream to adopt! One week after my new job, I had my first ultrasound. As we prepared for the worst, the dream we had been dreaming for years appeared on the screen. Our baby’s heartbeat was so fast. I looked over at Sean, and saw the tears in his eyes. Nothing could prepare us for that moment; the instant connection to the baby growing in my belly. I was due in June.
Pregnancy was treating me really well so far. My new job was going great, Sean was doing amazing in his course work and at his new job, and we were saying our prayers every night for the blessing in my belly. On a warm Sunday in October, I forced Sean to remove himself from watching football to go for a walk with the dogs and I in the park. Upon returning, I started spotting. We called the emergency doctor’s number and the doctor reassured me that everything was probably fine, that it was probably from the walk and to get some rest. The spotting continued so we went in for an ultrasound on Tuesday. Expecting the worse again, we saw the best! There was baby and it had grown. The nurse reassured me everything was okay and adjusted my due date. As the spotting continued, I tried to go through the week normally at work but I could not shake the feeling that something was wrong. It was frustrating to know that the more I moved and walked, the more I spotted but yet I had to move.
We went in again the following week for another ultrasound for reassurance as the spotting had gotten heavier. On the elevator ride up to the doctor’s office I had a feeling that our miracle was over but I was praying so hard to be wrong. My amazing husband had stopped to buy me a gluten free cupcake to celebrate if everything was okay, or to drown my sorrows if it was not. As the ultrasound tech started, I looked at Sean’s face for signs. Sean’s smile that I love so much lit up his face, and I knew everything was okay. The baby was measuring at 8 ½ weeks, and we were hearing the heartbeat for the first time. If anything in this world could be described as pure joy, it was that moment when I heard the sound of our baby’s heart beating. The doctor reassured us that if the baby was growing, then all was good! Our next step was to meet with our OBGYN. After years with our fertility doctor, we had officially graduated from him!
The optimism and excitement from that ultrasound was short lived. Six days after hearing our baby’s heart beat I was in the emergency room in excruciating pain and bleeding. They performed an ultrasound while there and an ER physician’s assistant whispered to Sean and me as we held hands at three a.m. that they could no longer find the baby. Although we both already knew this truth, hearing it aloud was like a knife through my heart. I watched my husband hurt and become overcome with a sadness I had never wanted to see. As I watched him, I knew only hours before he was sliding his baby’s ultrasound picture across the table to his best friend as a proud soon to be daddy.
In the end I feel such guilt because it is my body that attacks our baby. It is my fault that Sean cannot have a biological child. It is my fault my parents still do not have a grandchild. I wish I could feel less guilt and emptiness but it is there. At our last check up the doctor stated he had to assume the miscarriage was a heparin/aspirin failure, and therefore would recommend IVIG or a gestational carrier. After four failed pregnancies, I cannot imagine giving my body another chance at pregnancy. I may be good at other things, but pregnancy is not one of them.
The holidays are always hard but this year was especially hard. I used to love listening to Christmas music, sitting with hot tea in front of my Christmas tree watching Christmas movies, gathering with family, and decorating the house. Unfortunately, Thanksgiving and Christmas were full of reminders that we were not hitting pregnancy milestones and celebrating our news, and we have not progressed thus far in our journey to adopt. Thankfully our two adorable nephews, beautiful niece, friends and family do help make the holidays more joyful, and remind us what it's all about.
We know we are beyond blessed for what we do have, and there is so much to be thankful for, but it is hard to overcome the sadness you feel from your losses during this time of year.
We know that the struggle is part of our story. We know that God’s plan for us is greater than we could ever dream. Although there is sadness in our hearts, we are hopeful. We will not give up on our dream to have a family. We are hopeful a family will chose us to adopt their child and welcome us in their lives forever! We are also hopeful to proceed with a gestational carrier if we are blessed to find someone special to help us in this path. I have never wanted to just be pregnant; I hope to be a mom. I hope to watch the tender moments between my husband and our child. I know how badly he wants to be a daddy, and he will be an AMAZING one. I hope to watch my children grow up and play with their cousins, and my best friend's children. Two is a couple, three is a family. We hope to become a family in 2015. We hope 2015 is the best year of our lives!
Please join us here to learn more about us and our journey to become parents!
