If You Build It, He/She Will Come
As others around you are getting pregnant, there many things that they’re doing that you’ve also been dreaming of doing for years. They post cool pregnancy announcements for all to see, they share their beautiful growing bumps, have baby showers and they start preparing their nurseries. They're going to pick out names for their children, and some of these we may have secretly thought of using. At first, it was so easy to dream of these things and discuss how fun it will be to plan a clever pregancy baby annoucement. As the months went by, it grew more and more difficult watching others while waiting for our turn. I would go through moments of an emotional meltdown one day only to be fine the next. Sean did really good with all things baby up until this last year. Sometime last spring he decided that he had enough of everyone else having the fun and he was ready for it to be our turn. So when we went to our IAC information session last January to sign our contracts and proceed with our open adoption plan, I had expected to be overwhelmed by the life altering decision we were making. I had not expected to be overwhelmed and become emotional by Sean asking me if I wanted to do something I had been longing to do for so long.
At our IAC two day intensive training, we went over contracts, the Social Workers discussed emotions we could expect from both sides, and they walked us through different scenarios and legalities. At the end of the second day, they fed us Jimmy Johns and showed us a video to give us an idea of what a potential adoption situation could look like. IAC had collaborated with Women's Entertainment Network (WE) and had produced a documentary television series on open adoption called, “Adoption Diaries.” (See bottom for reference) As I review clips from the video now, the woman had very similar issues to mine as she was able to achieve four pregnancies but not able to carry any of them to a full term. I remember crying, and feeling incredibly sad for her, and them and their loss of a dream. They then decided to pursue open adoption and they were so excited and hopeful for their dream of a family again! They, like us, loved the thought of open adoption. Although her husband had concerns, she decorated the nursery out of hope. They were later matched, and were successfully placed with a baby boy. It was a great ending to an intensive training from our new open adoption agency.
The next day we were on our way to try a new church, where Sean’s dad regularly attended. I felt like my head may explode trying to absorb everything I had heard and learned from the previous day. On the way there, we discussed some of what we had learned, and our concerns with our new knowledge as well. As we made our way closer to the church, Sean asked me if viewing the video from the day before had brought up any thought to decorating our nursery now. I gave him a strong, “No, I do not want to do that.” He then proceeded to tell me that he would love to start decorating the nursery. I then burst in to tears (I can do this almost on demand!) I asked him how he could have an empty room in our home, decorated for a child that we may not have playing, laughing, singing or sleeping in for months or years. My sweet husband then leaned over to me and squeezed my hand. He asked me if I was sure I was ready to talk about this.
Sean then smiled at me with his gorgeous smile and explained that we were going to grow our family through adoption someday, and he saw the nursery as a positive room full of hope! He further explained that when our miracle did arrive, he did not want to be using the precious time that he could be bonding with our new baby on making adjustments to the room. He wanted to be a dad! He then proceeded to make a list of the things that he felt were important to do before baby came; I knew that he was right and they needed to be done before. Our windows were 30 plus years old and the glass was thin, the door from the bedroom to the hall had been scratched by a dog or beast so it needed replaced, the room would need painted and I’d want to add some organization to the closet. What a list!
I knew that my husband was thinking not just as the handy-man husband that he is but as a DAD. He was thinking like a DAD who wanted to create the bedroom of his dreams for his little one when they arrived. He was being thoughtful and nurturing. The man I married was going to be such an amazing dad!
When we arrived at the church, I had tears rolling down my cheeks as I told Sean that I would take it in to consideration. During mass, I could not help but think about my husband wanting to prepare for something he knew was coming and me being scared to death to look at something not knowing when it was coming. As I prayed, I prayed to be as strong as the man I married. He's always positive. I’m always realistic. I prayed to be patient and know that God has a plan for us. It seemed Sean was taking a “If we build it, they will come" approach. I cried on and off through most of mass as I searched for the right answers for our family.
Later that evening while having dinner, I let Sean know that we could start future Baby Duffey’s nursery. I explained that I’d like to start with some of the bigger projects and after that I’d be open to what was next. I really understood that he wanted to have some things done so when the baby got here he could spend more time bonding and being a daddy, and less time being a handy man. I wanted that for him. I wanted that for all of us! We had earned it after everything.
Over the next few months we started doing minor projects about once a month. We started by clearing the room, and combining our office and guest rooms. Seeing the blank canvas for the nursery was energizing! Although I had expected the empty room to make me sad, the thought of creating my dream nursery for Baby Duffey was exciting. My handsome handyman hubby also installed three new windows in the front of the house, built my dream closet from Pinterest, and put on a new door to their room. The room was really coming along nicely in April when our home study was approved.
The biggest compromise that Sean and I faced is what color we should paint the room. I personally love to paint walls a neutral color and add accessories in color. Sean loves color; loves to paint in color and loves to accessorize in color! We’ve always wanted to have our child’s gender be a surprise so a gender neutral nursery was not a problem for us. We also love the color blue so we decided that we’d paint the room a very, very light blue and add pops of a different color depending on the sex of the baby. Our thought is to sweeten the room with soft pink and creams if we adopt a baby girl, or add bursts of light green or yellow if we adopt a boy. The very, very light blue that we compromised on dried darker than the sample so now baby's room will be getting repainted a color called “Barely Blue” which Sean is calling white.
Over the year as we have continued to work on the nursery, we have moved on from just preparing the nursery to also preparing for baby. We’ve purchased a dresser, a glider, our car seat system, and a few other major items. We want to be prepared if we were to get the call that Baby Duffey has arrived in to the world. Although the nursery is far from finished, I know that if the baby were to arrive, I could do a little shopping from my Amazon wish list and be OK. We’re blessed to have wonderful friends and family who would help us out with whatever we needed if Baby Duffey were to arrive fast and furious. I also know two grandmas that are so eager to purchase whatever is needed whenever that precious one makes their way in to our hearts. One of them has to physically be stopped from creating her own registry's for me!
Although setting up our nursery has been a completely different experience than my friends who have been pregnant; we'll take it. Every person’s journey is different, and this is ours. We are OK with our wonderfully special journey to parenthood. The decision to set up your nursery while waiting for placement in adoption is completely personal. For me, it was made after praying what would be best for my husband and our child when it arrived in our home. The decision was not easy to make and it required more thought than I am able to express in this blog. However, it was the best decision for us. Our home just wouldn't seem like home without that shining, ray of hope that we call Baby Duffey's nursery. The room makes all of this seem more REAL. Each piece in the nursery is a small piece of encouragement that the wait for Baby Duffey will end soon. I am so excited for all the memories to be made in there.
My favorite places to shop for one of a kind baby bedding has been The Land of Nod (www.landofnod.com). Pottery Barn Kids (http://www.potterybarnkids.com/) has great wall decor like the "You Are My Happy" wall hanging below, and lots of ather fun decorations. Of course, you can't go wrong with anything from Target; which is just the best! Where are some of your favorite places to get nursery decorations or baby bedding? Leave me a Facebook or IG comment to help a girl out!
Adoption Diaries on WE: http://www.adoptionhelp.org/news/media-highlights/adoption-diaries
