So Here We Are
So here we are. Four years into our journey, many ups and downs, and we continue to wait on baby Duffey. Ashley and I spent the first couple of years married enjoying each other, traveling, spending time with friends and family, and taking advantage of that time before we start a family. We wanted to experience many different things first. I never thought that when we made the decision to start a family that we would go through the fertility road that we have, but here we are.
When we first started to see a fertility specialist I really thought it would not take much to assist us to get pregnant and have a baby. You know, you go to the doctor, they diagnose you, they give you medicine or do an operation, and you’re fixed. Yeah, not the case for us. I am a ‘fix it’ type of guy and this has been a very difficult path for me as we go to bat with our doctor, he takes a swing, and miss after miss. Even now, as we stare at the options of IVIG and surrogacy, never have I had a hurdle in front of me that I thought would be so challenging to overcome. Although I know we will get there, it is not so clear on how or when.
The fertility path did bring us joy in 2014 as we battled so hard just to get pregnant, and this year we did! That moment when Ashley took a test, shed happy tears, and told me she was pregnant, I thought to myself that finally, all of this has worked! Although it did, and we got pregnant 4 times this year, none of them held. The first 3 pregnancies ended in miscarriage at about 3-4 weeks. Within a few days after knowing we were pregnant, our test results did not hold and the miscarriage ensued. The 4th pregnancy had us try intralipids to see if the pregnancy would hold, this medicine preventing her T-cells from fighting off the pregnancy, worked! It only lasted, however, until 9 weeks. A late Sunday evening spent at the emergency room ended what was our best hope for getting and staying pregnant. This one was different for me. The first 3 happened so fast I really never felt like the baby was there. A blood test that was good and 2 days later one that was not, didn’t feel like a real pregnancy to me. During this 4th pregnancy we got to the point of seeing the heartbeat twice and hearing the heartbeat once. We heard the heartbeat on a Tuesday and then that Sunday, it ended. I don’t think I have ever experienced anything higher than I did on that Tuesday in hearing and seeing the heartbeat as well anything lower than I did on that Sunday when the miscarriage occurred. Ashley was so devastated, as was I, and all I wanted to do was tell her “It will be ok!” I truly think this was one of the first times in my life where I really felt confused and unsure about the future. I try to stay optimistic as much as I can, but this was hard.
After a recent visit with our doctor, IVIG and gestational carrier (surrogacy) are now are only options for a biological child. IVIG is similar to intralipids, just stronger, that Ashley would get like an infusion while she is pregnant. Although stronger it is still not guaranteed. I don’t know how I would handle another miscarriage that potentially could be again at 9 weeks or longer. Ashley and I have talked a lot about surrogacy and how real that option is for us. Only one issue with that one, who would that special person be to carry baby Duffey? How do you ask someone if they would be willing to carry your child? We have discussed so many things about this process and continue to talk about how we move forward with surrogacy.
At the same time we felt so at peace with our decision to adopt over a year ago; it was discussed between us for years. We have always been excited that an opportunity to adopt could present itself at any moment. We are now 9 months in to waiting. I am still excited that we are heading down the path of open adoption. Since our plan is for an open adoption we will also build a relationship with a birthmother and her family. I know that this process will find a path to parenthood for Ashley and I that we will forever be grateful for, but it’s hard to sit and wait when all I want is that little girl or boy in my arms.
As I read posts from prospective parents and adoptive parents on the Independent Adoption Center(IAC) facebook page I see lots of excitement, joy, hope, disappointment, and anxiety. How could you not have these feelings while going through adoption? I think they are all positive. This journey to adoption has had and will continue to have its ups and downs, but I know that once we experience being parents through adoption, that will bring us so much love and joy that it will have been worth the wait! We have had a few contacts, but nothing that has led to a birthmother match yet. I stay positive and hopeful as I know that this time will come.
So here we are. Faced with what is the most challenging, frustrating, discouraging, yet hopeful position in my life. Every time I see my niece and nephews, every time I hold a little one in my arms, every time I see a dad and son, dad and daughter all I can think about is why not me? As 2015 approaches, what I thought Ashley and I could control, now is in the hands of a surrogate and/or expectant mother who may place her child up for adoption. I heard a quote that I carry with me every day, “Dreams don’t come true, dreams are made true!” And this dream, one I thought that could be made by Ashley and I, will take an angel to be made true. I know when that day comes, because it will, it will be the best day of my life!
